LF: Kleenex Facial Tissue, White (36-pack)

Title: Kleenex Facial Tissue, White (36-pack)
Source: Amazon
URL Source: [None]
Published: Mar 24, 2018
Author: some poor lady
Post Date: 2018-03-24 00:32:56 by Tooconservative
Keywords: None
Views: 1511
Comments: 15

I thought it had a few good lines. Obviously, this is a satire. He has a whole series of these kinds of "reviews" at Amazon. It got so popular he was a guest on the CBS morning show apparently.

I've been reading this guy's work at Amazon. He deserves TV appearances. And his own movie project.

Customer Review

Vegetable Cruelty

ByJames O. Thachon May 18, 2014

Style: 3-Blade Spiral SlicerSize: 1-Pack

As a vegetable rights activist, I've seen some terrible things--a veritable chopped salad of suffering. For instance, chopped salad. But this takes agricultural cruelty to a new level.

Are we as a society so inured to violence that we cheer as a potato is turn-by-turn transformed into something twisted beyond recognition--a "curly fry"? Can we sit idly by as apples are ground into "fruit noodles"?

America used to be a safe haven for fruits and vegetables. We'd protect them in our crispers, let our children play with them, then release them into landfills. But suddenly, the knives have come out. Today they're sliced, diced, chopped, juiced, julienned, and now this: spiral slicing. Horrifying.

So why the 5 stars? Look, I'm no idiot. I know I'm not going to change the world by preaching to the converted. I need to reach those who've been brainwashed by the vegetable-industrial complex--the doctors, nutritionists, public health advocates, and well-meaning parents. Face it, we all have ketchup on our hands.

But it's time to come together and say, Enough! Let's treat our leafy greens, hearty legumes, and dirty tubers with the respect they deserve. Chill and release, folks. Chill and release. And let them live again--in New Jersey.

If you want to hear a true story, I could tell you about the times I used toilet paper as a coffee filter.

I'm assuming the guy had to alternate his funny lines with legit review notes. I think that makes his reviews even funnier.

The Hitler Parody potential is off the chart for any of his material. You'd think someone would have done it already.

Hitler: "Yes, order the 72-pack of Kleenex. My mucus problem and allergies are maddening." Keitel: "Mein Fuehrer, Kleenex has stopped offering its 72-pack. They claim two 36-packs are just as efficient."

Satire or parodies can be too dry or ambiguous, or way too exaggerated, so it can be either a complete dud or hysterically obvious.

Over at Hitler Parodies you can see many writers trying too hard. It's a fuzzy line which makes good satire not as easy to write as it might seem.

The Kleenex review was a bit long-winded. On the second run through it got much funnier.

If you want to hear a true story, I could tell you about the times I used toilet paper as a coffee filter.

That would be some funny imagery...To make it funnier you'd need an oddly inappropriate set up. Like already being on the bowl with a coffee pot in one hand and roll in the either. I dunno. But satire/parodies are its own genre of humor.

"To avoid even the remote possibility of such injuries, I invested in this 55 gallon drum of water soluble personal lubricant--the idea being that the children could enjoy the slide in complete safety...

... There came a ghastly grinding sound, and I could tell from the crimson plume that followed, it would be a total loss.

...Since then, I've asked myself a thousand times, is there anything I could have done differently? But in the end, no actuary table could have predicted this bloodbath. I can only conclude that this was an act of God. And that, to me, is truly terrifying. Because we're not covered for that."

Apparently the dude hasn't done any reviewing (at least under that particular handle) since 2014. Same with his Twitter.

If you ... don't use exclamation points --- you should't be typeing ! Commas - semicolons - question marks are for girlie boys !