| A new priest was nervous about his first sermon, so he asked his monsignor for advice. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." |
So the next Sunday at the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink, He proceeded to preach up a storm. After the service he returned to his office he found the following note on the door.
- Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
- David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
- When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
- When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
- The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
- The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.